The dream is as distant as the horizon.

Photo: Another beautiful pre-dawn in Sarasota. This was taken on my commute to work. I find this to be nicely symbollic of tonight's post. Sending my love down the wire so to speak, chasing the dream, just beyond the horizon.

I'm sorry our updates have been so infrequent. Wanted to give you all an update to let you know we're still alive, surviving now with infrequent phone conversations and not being able to see each other online like we used to. The f#@%!ing internet company cut Tia off without EVER sending her an invoice. They just cut her usage off when the bill got to be high and when she called them, they told her the bill went to collections already - WITHOUT ever contacting her OR sending her an invoice! Rude bastards. Certainly the bill was excessive, but don't you think they would have sent her a notice explaining what actions they were considering and allow her to make a payment on it?

Life has had it's challenges lately and it seems the Universe (substitute God, Jehovah, Muhammad or whatever there) is constantly showing us a different picture of what our lives should be, and it's isn't adding up to be in New Zealand. It's so hard to understand. All year long, in all of our conversations, in the random interactions with people who had been there, with all of our research, our encounters with synchronicity, our inquiries to get there, our long and dramatic medical and background checks, cat papers, grey hairs, hunches, whims and notions ALL pointing us for a definite move to New Zealand, yet we seem to always be coming up short.

Tia is unimpressed with how behind and backwards the country seems to be. In all of the literature it says that New Zealand is in pace with the rest of the world in standards of living. Well, the houses are small, cramped, drafty, under-insulated, poorly built, and way over priced. You never really know where you'll actually be able to get connected to high-speed internet - one of my requirements due to my work. Most houses have tiny lots and share multiple driveways (and I wanted to not be on top of our neighbors like we are here). The notion of recycling exists, but you have to collect your things and drive them to the recycling center however many miles away that is. The cost of living is higher than we expected, traffic is suicidal, petty crime is running rampant, people throw trash EVERYWHERE making the experience of seeing the beauty of the environment really diminished because you can't go out walking barefoot on any trail for fear of stepping on a broken bottle or fearing what is going to happen to the belongings you locked in your car. Sport skydiving there is really rare - one of the things we were REALLY looking forward to getting back into regularly. Basically, with the reduced price on our house, the cost of our move, the amount of debt we're already in and the relative reduced amount of what we can afford to buy there, it just doesn't seem to be adding up to make any sense.

I do feel a dream being shattered.

My heart aches for my wife, alone in a strange world, cut off from being in regular contact with her loved ones. Cut off from all she knows. Meanwhile, I feel I am living the same day over and over. My routine doesn't change, my life doesn't change. I have a few things that I hold on to. Wednesday night figure drawing. Occasional poker night with the guys. Occasional meetings with friends. I go to work, see the same 9 people. I come home. Feed the cats, do the chores, work on freelance, watch about: 20 minutes of TV before I have to get ready for bed and do it all over again. I can feel depression creeping in. My escapes have been running (like a man possessed) and drinking.

We've considered Finland as an alternative landing place. Right now we can't even look at that because the house hasn't sold and we have NO prospects. It's seemingly hopeless. I can't plan a move beyond the end of our driveway.

I do feel a dream being shattered.

I'm not going to apologize for being down, because I am telling you the truth, no rosy pictures painted with pretty dialogue. Pure truth. I know we made this our choice, and this is our life. Sure we have a wonderful house to fall back on and for that I am TRUELY grateful. I am certain there is a reason why the house has not sold and there is a reason why I, the one who pushed for the move to begin with - the one who REALLLLLLLLLYYYYY wanted the move to happen, is the one seemingly stuck here. There is a reason.

- shit -

Doesn't help any though.

I'm off to run errands, catch dinner and pay some bills before MINE go to collections. Forgive me for not being able to get caught up on all of your blogs. I miss you guys and I miss being a part of your lives. You've entertained me, shared and painted pictures of your lives for me, helped and supported me. For you guys, a world of thanks.

Kia ora koe.