Break

Hey Everyone... Sorry I haven't been around much to blog. It feels like it's been forever and a day since I last blogged, or at least surfed around to everyone's blog. It's been a wild trip this week and last. I feel like I've been put to the test. I have periods of pain in my chest, tightness in my throat and a shortness of breath, then times of calm and cool collectedness. It's been a roller-coaster ride. Plus work has really kicked up for me again. Yesterday and the day before I put in 12 and 14 hour days. Today is a short day, 8 hours. I like to be busy, it helps my focus and I stay closer to my center, only because I don't allow myself to dwell on the fact that in 19 days, Tia will be gone from my daily life. Eeks... the counter on her blog hasn't helped me deal with it any! I know it's only temporary, but it's still not easy. I had no idea how difficult this was going to be emotionally, but I know it's for the better, and that these are our choices. It's exciting, thrilling, nerve-wracking and frightening all in one big delicious bite!

So I'm sitting at my desk, at work, trying to decide what to eat, watching the remnants of Ernesto outside my window, missing... well, you guys. My faithful fellow bloggers. Time to cut this short and go out and visit the rest of you, at least check in... I feel like this little frog now. Big eyes against the world, looking out, looking in from the outside, wide-eyed in wonder and hungry for a change - well, he's probably hungry for dinner. I am visited by this frog on my window every morning, and every morning he scoots across the glass hunting breakfast.

Well, anyway. Enjoy.

Finland, Final Post

Yes, it's true, this is the final post in the on-going series of photographs I took in Finland. This series finds us in a remote part of Eastern Finland. After miles of dirt roads, twisting curves, steep hills and valleys, we find ourselves at this cottage in the woods.

(Written on Saturday, for some reason I have not been able to post until Monday evening)

I've gone this week from having no emotions and being completely shut down, to today, cranky, happy, then scared, shocked, happy, then cranky, then happy again... whew... and it's only mid-day.

I think after the initial wave of emotions in dealing with Tia buying her ticket to NZ, I kinda shut down. I came home from work, exhausted, barely interested IN actually working. I would skip dinner every night, spend a little time with Tia and then mentally "check out." We had a garage sale this morning and for the first time this week I actually FELT something! I guess I have officially moved through my first wave of stress in this move. I came through feeling good about it. We're making the right choice...

Florida IS the place to have a garage sale INDEED! People here know how to "Sale!" It was incredible, all this crap we thought wouldn't sell, stuff I thought we should just deliver to Goodwill, sold up like hotcakes. In a couple of hours we were already a couple of hundred bucks ahead, all for ten and fifty-cent items! It feels wonderful to have wrapped up all before noon! And NO MORE JUNK! I am the family neatnic if you haven't guessed it yet. If you haven't used it in the past six months, it's ready to hit the road! The exercise in purging has been therapeutic to us. Helps us to keep track of the things we do value around here, plus it feels like we're moving on.

Anyway, I now stare blankly at the open attic space that was once filled with a world of discarded items, childhood memories, college projects, forgotten dreams and the rubble of living and being a human. There were days I would curse all of the stuff with the devotion of a monk. We moved here from a very simple (and notably tiny) one-bedroom apartment with one functioning closet and now we have many rooms, several walk-ins, an attic and have allowed our "waste-bands" to expand into every nook and crannie of this place. In the process of living, we have also collected, and I'm thankful to have purged. We have gone through the process about three times in five years, but the stuff always seems to grow back, where the hell does it all come from?

The experience and feeling I get while blogging equates to the feelings I have about total random acts of kindness. None of you "know" me personally, but I've let you into my mind, a part of me that my friends in person never really see. And yet you've all shared your lives, hearts, souls and kindness with me and I truly appreciate every moment and every comment!

This is the end of the photos of Finland, the cottage in the woods... I've given myself a new photo assignment while I am here. I am going to photograph patterns in nature in the area we live, one last way to say "Goodbye." Look for those in the coming weeks!


Photo (above): The view from our cottage deck, many a beer was spent with this view!


Photo (above): Here ya go Vickie, the other "Laundry on a Finnish Line" I promised you... I only had packed for a three day trip, thus being the fourth day and having had worn these clothes for a couple of days, they were ready to be washed. So the story goes that we (Tia, her brother Tomi and her dad) are alone in this place and I, without hesitation, stripped to my birthday suit and hand washed these in the lake, beating them against the large granite rock the formed the basin for the lake. It was quite refreshing spending so many hours in the buff, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, not many places in this world that you can do that without being eaten by bugs or bugged by people. This place felt soulful. Clothing didn't matter here, certainly not in a perverse sense, it was a truly spiritual place, naked before the world and the heavens above.





Photo (above): Taken around 10:30 or 11:00 PM. Sun just about to set... Of course the sunset blends into the sunrise in Finland in the summer. It's beautiful.

Photo (above): Moss and a small pine growing out of the rock.


Photo (above): Tia rowing us around thelake some time after the sun had set, must have been around midnight or later...

Thanks for being patient with me, showing you in nine posts, all 76 out of the 650 shots I took in Finland. This was alot of fun and I thank you all for sharing in this with me!

Perplexing...

This is now my umteenth attempt to update my blog today with absolutely no success. It seems each time I try to upload an image, Safari crashes. I've restarted Safari, rebooted my machine and checked for updates and no dice... I promise, I have a blog ready to go, all of the last images of the Finland trip... I wonder if Mercury has had something to do with all of this... anyway, check again tomorrow evening as I may have better luck. I'm exhausted and the monitor is a big furry blur in front of me. Sorry!

cheers!
~bruce

Rare Midweek Post! ...more Finland.

Photo: Changing Landscapes.

OK, I swear the Finland trip pictures are coming to an end soon and I won't know what to post anymore! One more post to go and they're from my favorite spot on this trip!

So I've had some pretty interesting observations today about myself. No creative breakthroughs, but some discoveries. Bopping along on my creative process, I discover I am too much in my head and my life struggle seems to be the process of extracting my SELF from my HEAD!

SO! My discovery is that my creative mediums, design and photography (and it seems everyone in this town is calling themselves a photographer or a designer these days) make me think too much. They are perfectly purpose-full mediums. Design allows me to make a living, which then allows me to photograph... things... I like the challenge of finding the right composition in my viewfinder that balances light and dark, tension and peace, active composition, narrative, technical form and detail. I am, after all, a realist at heart. Photography lets me be an observer - AH HA! An observer indeed, shamefully hiding my face behind a big camera, pointing out things and observing them, THAT'S just what an observant mind would observe! I think, oh shit, another observation, that I need to get OUT of my friggin head and EXPRESS something. Create a voice. I am sick of looking through the magazines around town OBSERVING other artists building a creative style. I need to pound the earth, bend steel, shape clay, make noise, splash paint, get out of my mind and DO SOMETHING! So here I sit, on the computer, another night.

I need an intervention! I need someone to step in, pull me away from my desk chair, pry the mouse from my hand and take me to a place.

Reading this, a few hours after I wrote it, still doesn't convince me that things will change even. Not without some routine life changes. Change is coming...

UGH!

So, OK, enough of the rant... On to Finland (again)...

These first pictures are of my brother-in-law, one of my favorite Finns and someone who is just as much of a brother to me than my own blood relations! Tomi - thanks for a great trip and some great parties!




Photo: Martian landscape in the castle!


Photo: this was HIGH atop a low mountain. We were probably a couple of hundred feet above the water on a sheer cliff. The photos don't do it justice.



Photo: There were so many lakes in the area, Finland, instead of building bridges, has ferries at various intervals. So nice that they preserved the landscape by NOT building a bridge.

All kinds of stuff

Photo: “Shine – Self-portraits in Sand. Took this photo the other night. I needed a shot for the cover of the invitation for the “Official Tanjariitta & Bruce Farewell Party.”

Hey there! How's everyone?

I love this process Tia and I are going through. We've opened every door, uncovered each box, left no stone unturned as they say. We're going through all of our collected stuff from years of school and marriage. It's encouraging. To me it feels like momentum is building. We're moving. It's all happening! We're throwing ALL KINDS of crap out now. It really impresses me when we sit and thumb through all of our stuff, even the things we were certain we were taking with us we're pitching.

It's been a blast to go through all of our things. I remember Bo going through her things in one of her last moves. Christmas all over again! I've discovered some hidden treasures and some old friends buried in our boxes of clutter. We will be down to our most essentials soon.

It seems my blogging life is really only limited to the weekends for posting my own and random lunch breaks during the week to get caught up with the rest of you. Just too tired or busy at night during the week to be on another computer. Plus, being a one computer family and having an over-zealous blogging wife doesn't help much. Just kidding honey, I know you offer the machine whenever I get home... the beast of a machine.

I find myself being carried away with all kinds of emotions thinking I have only 38 more days with m'love. We're anticipating her leaving September 19, with a party on the 15th to send her off. It's scary to me sometimes, but not as much as it used to be. We've both come to a place of understanding and fortitude about the circumstances. We both feel it's the right thing to do and the timing is perfect for this shift to happen. Actually, it couldn't feel more right.

"WE'RE INTERRUPTING OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG TO BRING YOU THIS URGENT MESSAGE." I'm editing this blog entry after having read Bo's blog just now. I say, here, here Bo, what's that, doesn't EVERYBODY need a driver and super-stretch Hummer limo, super bright teeth, boob-jobs, face lifts, tummy tucks? And that's JUST the teen girls around here. I'm glad we're all so well cared for that we can't see past the sheen of our high-gloss, polished hoods of our Hummers. Stupid waste, stupid human waste. Sorry if I am about to offend anyone here, I do have a tendency to be anti-capitalism and anti-establishment. So here goes... Bo, great post, sounds like it didn't take you long to tap into the real pulse of this nation, CASH. Capitalism sucks in my opinion. It strips a nation of it's own self-respect and steals the culture and replaces it with plastic, mass-produced replicas. This country hasn't seen a hey-day since the 50's. I gave up on having health care two years ago because I can't stand driving by the marble-laden insurance companies. The "haves" have taken over in Sarasota, building their replica Mediterranean-revival homes 10 feet from a shore line that in one hurricane will wipe their house away - but hey, that's what we have insurance for right? Oh, the insurance company won't cover it because they are bankrupt, well the government will bail us out for sure! It's smothering in Sarasota and it isn't the heat. Am I being too negative? I'm sorry if I am but I can't help but to be disgusted by the mass public being more in tune with their portable DVD players and iPods rather than actual humanity. WAKE UP AMERICA! You're losing your soul! Sorry if I offended anyone. "WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGURLARILY SCHEDULED BLOG..."

So anyway, I still haven't wrapped up all of the photos from our trip, so on with the show! Of course, by the time the show is over, it will be into winter before I run out of images to post… Hope you like ‘em.


Photo: Chairs outside a store in a tourist town in eastern Finland. This photo marks the beginning of the road trip Tia, her dad, brother and I took. We spent four days in the summer heat walking through old battle sights and historical places in eastern Finland.


Photo: This was a netting masking off a church facade that was being restored after having been burned out by fire.

Somebody Loves Us!

They arrived today! Our visas stating we are now free to move to New Zealand!

No go on, continue looking at my Finland pictures! More coming...

The Changes Have Begun.

Photo: Steps leading into the house Tia grew up in. So many people have stepped into their home, generations. These are the steps I had been waiting to see. Steps that give me a sense of being home - even though it isn't my own home.

I feel the winds of change coming, the predictions and the planning is all coming together in one dramatic performance. I sit in a silent void in my mind, I hear the rush of the wind, the wind that will sweep up our lives, carried like a speck of dust, I feel the nervous anticipation in my throat. Stopping to test the wind from time to time, I see the sun’s rays on the horizon, the sun rising in New Zealand. I also see this dark time ahead. Knowing full well that one inch ahead is all darkness. All I can do is visualize the events. I see our destination, I also see the period of time where I will be alone. Alone in the dark, sitting in a silent house, half-packed, waiting for the call that the house is sold. Wondering what is happening 13,000 miles to my southwest. Waiting for the storm to approach. The one I have waited for longer than I can seriously recall. To be swept away under a torrent rush of emotion, unbalance, turbulence and rootlessness. The time is coming. It is carried on the backs of a thousand prayers from the time of a thousand days. The thousand days I intended to spend in Florida, now counting to three-thousand, six-hundred and fifty. The time has come. Our lives are no longer what they were. One inch ahead is all darkness.

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. With Tia home now and having only one computer, I would rather spend my time with her than the machine. Doesn’t help that I’m on a machine most of my day as well.

Of course, the changes have always been happening. I'm just looking at the sense of normality of our lives, the day-in, day-out habits we slip into, some comfortable, some rut-like. Like tonight, I don't know why I continue to turn on the TV. We've pared our TV service down to local only channels having previously had the Dish and 150 channels. So now, instead of having 150 channels of crap to watch, we now only have 8 or so, and it never fails, every time I turn it on to find some short and sweet form of instant escapism, I am woefully dissappointed. Thus I am here. Blogging away on my Saturday evening and feeling much better about how my time is being spent, minus that I cannot spend it with my wife while I am here, but she is engrossed in a book or something. Cheers to me being here...

Had a happy hour last night with my employers, a self-indulged appreciation hour. A time to spend the way the employers would have it be, in their home, on their own terms. I have criticized that kind of event before, but I see it differently now. Because I have a history with these people and this company, I have a hard time differentiating between old feelings and new, and I know that aspect goes both ways. I worked for them for more than two-and-a-half years and left on not-so-good terms. Didn’t tell anyone off, but spoke without much tact my truth and I know there were hurt feelings. Then worked on my own for a year-and-a-half, meagerly. Then I got the call last May. The company has grown, the owners with it. The relationship has mended and I feel particularly well about the situation. Also helps in that I know it is only temporary. But I am there, invited for my creativity and inspiration and they have let me know it, FULLY. I am letting go of the old ways and feelings and hoping that it comes across in what I do and act in the company. I may not always like what I do or the kinds of projects I am faced with, but this job has been a blessing. Truly. And I am free to stay there as long as I am in town, right up to the day I move. Nice to have some security.

Right now I’m grooving with some old ELO, Huey Lewis and a song called Funky Town, it’s a riot!

OK, more pictures!


Red toes peeking out of the pond after enjoying the sauna.










Laundry on a Finnish Line