this is bruce's blog: May 2007

T.A.Rector, I.P.Dell'Antonio/NOAO/AURA/NSF

Music has a way of shaping our lives, of defining who we are or where we are at a given moment. It has a way of transporting us through time to places we were once, it also has a way of making us feel old. But in the end, our music tastes set the backdrop on the stage that we play out our lives on.

We had a rare opportunity last night. A friend of our had two extra tickets to see Roger Waters (of Pink Floyd fame). It was his "Dark Side of the Moon" tour. It's been a while since I had really listened to any of the old classics, but sitting there when "Time" came up, loudly singing the lyrics with 15,000 other fans, I had a small epiphany about my life, particularly surrounding my last birthday a month ago. I turned 37. No big deal, but I do feel like time is truly the fire in which we burn and the flames are getting higher. The lyrics got to me last night:

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

I feel like the moments enshrined in the lyrics are biting close at my heels. Before we sold our house, I REALLY felt them close.

"Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way."

In some small way, that's how I feel about the last 10 years of my life, since graduation. I used to be so focused and driven, if I spent a half a minute on a decision it was too long, I knew exactly what I wanted and I went after it without any wasted time. True Aries spirit. Today, this last year, I have been so out of focus and indecisive about what I want and where we should end up in this world. I feel the effects of fear and consequences of decision making instead of imagining the rewards. I feel like I'm running to keep up with time, but sitting still and watching life pass me by here, I'm chasing the sun as it comes up behind me. I still haven't REALLY started the career path I imagined I would have, I'm still in Florida when I wanted to get out years ago (and yes, we are getting out soon), I still haven't made the kinds of marks on the world I dreamt about when I was younger. I feel like I'm made some choices that have compromised the way I used to value life and I feel like I'm becoming or I have manifested the "middle-America" lifestyle they write lyrics about. Rush also wrote lyrics in a song and I felt when I was younger, that I would never live that way:

Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit unknown

Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone

[Chorus:]
(Subdivisions)
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out
(Subdivisions)
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out
Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth

Drawn like moths we drift into the city
The timeless old attraction
Cruising for the action
Lit up like a firefly
Just to feel the living night

Some will sell their dreams for small desires
Or lose the race to rats
Get caught in ticking traps
And start to dream of somewhere
To relax their restless flight
Somewhere out of a memory of lighted streets on quiet nights...

Certainly I have felt like the misfit or the dreamer and I swore I would stay away from ticking traps. This past year has certainly been a tick trap.

Now, before you consider throwing me a midlife crisis party, I don't always feel this way and certainly I count my blessings every day, but these is a nagging part of me that tells me I'm no longer the kid I used to be, flying down the freeway, long hair blowing in the wind. Living like I'm immortal. I don't have the kinds of time I used to spend writing music endless nights staying up to 3 or 4am. I seem to have lost that activist artist voice I used to have and I'm not much of a trouble-maker anymore. I have more responsibilities, less freedom to shake things up the way I used to. And maybe, just maybe, that's what this move is about in the end. Maybe this is my mid-life era coming to me. I've been trying to determine what the next steps look like for too long instead of just taking them to see where they lead. I'm not living in the here and now, I'm too busy seeing what was behind me and what's to come ahead of me.

I don't know, maybe it's all just ramblings, but I think I'm getting old.

Self-portrait reflected in "Cloud Gate"
All photos: ©2007 Bruce Anttila van Hoover

It's been a while since I've been on blogger and I'm sorry for the delay in posting, Tia and I have been gallivanting through Illinois and Wisconsin visiting family and taking a vacation. I've thought about blogging every day, and it seems that I will "compose" small blogs in my mind every day, just the same way I will "see" photos in my mind as I drive around without my camera. I haven't been online much other than looking for work and researching a future place to land, so… finding a small segment of time today was serendipitous.

Our trip was great. I was dreading it a little (read a lot) before we left, but in the end it was pleasant. Cooler weather, three GREAT days in Chicago on nobody’s schedule but our own – I admit a little embarrassment about not contacting friends in Chicago, but coordinating and scheduling our days wasn’t anything I was up for (you know the feeling of not being on anyone’s expectations or schedule when you need it the most.)

My birthday present was to see Blue Man Group in Chicago. If anyone has the opportunity to attend a show PLEASE do so! It’s similar to STOMP, but is more of a situational comedy about non-verbal communication and great music. It’s an amazing show and I won’t say anymore about it less giving it away. It is truly a unique experience and something everyone can laugh at!

I did take my camera on our trip and managed to fire off 345 times but frankly, I'm quite disappointed in my shots. I don't care for anything I did. Bad crops, bad choices, uninteresting subject matter and bad cropping, bad sets and general inexperience with this camera have all combined to make a completely dull series of shots. I just wasn’t “seeing” what I needed to see. I wasn’t paying attention to the artistic process, I was just clicking away. I think my brain and artistic eye were on vacation. (and I fully admit to NEEDING one desperately!) If I were to compare this set to the shots I take while in Finland, the difference is night and day. Perhaps that says something about my spiritual connection with Finland and possibly a lack of one with my own homeland. I recall a consistent comparison between the two places on-going in my mind the entire time we were traveling. I don’t know how or why it is that way, but for some reason, I’m being beckoned by Finland. I know that someday, we will live there, just maybe not this time around.

So we're still grappling with the idea of where to land. It's really getting old and I'm feeling rather raw about the whole thing. Tia and I chase each other around the series of choices everyday. All of this has taken a toll on my psyche. I'm thankful that I cut my hours back to part time because my brain functions are completely overloaded with the decision making process. By the end of my short day I feel completely overwhelmed. The hours of morning and evening research are draining focus on my other abilities. It must be rather comical from the outside, but my sense of humor is waning. I remind myself that I am in a constant state of choice (if nothing else, at least THAT makes me laugh).

On a sideways related note, while researching clean living, I discovered a GREAT website today put on by National Geographic. The Green Guide is a wonderful resource for all things eco-friendly. Excellent tips on what to use to clean around the house and recipes on how to make your own cleaning supplies. It's a great resource! Check it out!

On with the photos…